hellsing's cracked skeleton TFS EDITION!
by Amvmaster
Summary: SI-OC, dying and being given another chance to live is alright, but when you give a guy like me sans's powers(undertale) and send me to hellsing ultimate abridged world, I think theres a line to be drawn...but then again said line doesn't really matter when you leave it to chance now does it? meh not like I give a shit! OOC and come on its TFS(teamfourstar) of course its M rated!
1. im in a crack fic!

**now this si has been, well in the works for a while I mean its my first "CRACK" at a crack fic, well kinda I mean its hellsing abridged its but with plot...kind of.**

 **sigh you get the point, so my reasoning for do this is simple...I got fucking bored end of story**

 **so disclaimer is simple...I don't anything thing**

 **oh and before I go any further its SI OC with sans the skeletons powers so yeah you get where I'm going with this**

 **oh well lets just get on with the story**

* * *

I died yep and now im looking in front of the literal wheel or rebirth or something which I incidentally span before this monk guy even explained to me what was going to happen.

But to save time I did a quick interpretation and spun the wheel and waited patiently for it to stop on the one thing.

"so when it lands on the one thing I'll be reborn into that world?" I quickly asked as the monk nodded

"yes just read the card and you will be taken to the world" the monk stated as I nodded

"ok thanks" I said as he smiled at me and then pointed to the wheel as I looked.

I watched as it slowly spin slowly until it finally stopped

"well lets see what I got then 'reborn into a crack fic, with the powers of sans(because reasons)"

I looked at the monk as he smiled at me as I blinked

"does this happen allot or is this thing broke?" I asked as the monk smirked but shook his head

"no it is not, now please spin again" the monk said as I blinked and looked at the wheel as I spun again but hard this time

Crack fic? Like what main character? Or crossover? Oh sweet mother of shit all mighty IM GOING TO BE IN A CRACK FIC! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!

"and its stopped" as I blinked as the monk pointed to the wheel as I looked at it and read the world I will be cracking in (heh get it!?)

"hellsing ultimate TFS EDITION" I read as I blinked

Wait the abridged version of hellsing!?

Ok I can work with this and I can work with this!

"well now that its decided, allow me to explain how you use your new found powers ready?" the monk said as I looked at him and shrugged

"sure thing" I said as he smiled

10 minutes later

"and that's how you use gastor blasters did you get any of that?" the monk asked as I shook my head

"no considering all I got from you is the word boner every second word and the just now gastor blaster" I stated as the monk just stared at me blankly

"well this is a crack fic, so figure it out yourself!" the monk yelled as he pulled a lever that appeared out of no where and I was suddenly dropped downwards as I yelled out

"FUCK DONOLD DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

"DON'T YOU MEAN TRUMP!?" the monk yelled out

"HIM TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled out in response as I continued to fall which to seemed to never end like ever.

Suddenly I find myself face first into the ground of some sort.

"that hurt" I groaned out as I stood up and blinked as I looked around and saw that I was inside of a forest

Seems to me im in the first episode

How might I know this because reasons

"SO YOU HAVE FOUND OUT MY PLAN HAVE YOU, TO TURN THE HOLE ENTIRE VILLAGE INTO GHOULS!"

"ahuh" I heard a voice said as I looked up and saw I was in the middle of the confrontation between the main character as he just stared with bored eyes.

At this point I just ignored the fucker priest as I slowly stood up and looked up

"hey red moon!" I yelled as the priest stopped his yelling and I looked at him

"who in the fuck are you!?" he yelled at me as he held a gun up at me as I just blinked

"me oh I was having a wonderfully great nightly stroll then I decide to just lay down considering I was a bit tired and well you came along and well here we are" I stated which is not really wrong but still not right either.

"well how about you take your blue ass self as well as that red coated fuck and die!" the priest yelled as a bunch of ghouls jumped into the air.

"well intimidating he'd be more intimidating if he was well intimidating" I said chuckling as I looked over to the red coat man as he gave me a very large toothy grin

"oh now you, I like you" he said as I couldn't help but continue to chuckle

"HOW ABOUT THE BOTH OF YOU JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME KILL-"

*BANG!*

I watched as vampire priest was shot dead

"you know could have aimed for the dudes head" I said as red man just chuckled evilly

"I could of but tell me where would the fun be in that?" he said as he walked past me and looked down at the fallen woman he had just shot to kill said vampire priest

Hmmm irony much?

"aaaaaaw you look like a puppy a sad decapitated puppy" the red coated man stated as I casually strolled up on the other side staring down at the woman as just like I remembered she's got some pretty big tits

Hmmmm wouldn't mind doing some stuff to those(what? I'm a heterosexual, its in my nature, well kinda not really but I'm young what can you do?)

"ok fine I'll revive you but don't complain about being a vampire" the red coat man stated as I watched in mild fascination as he…whoa that's just too fucking graphic for this M crack fic

LATER

"so your telling me that you just revived the police girl with the big titties"

"yes I feel like ive already just gone through this story with you" alucard stated

"what in gods name is with the fucking guy your brought along with you too!?"

"oh him meh I like the guy he just gives off this fuck off aura, kinda like me just more or less of the blue kind though" alucard stated

"well at least my life isn't a complete waste of calcium" I stated from my spot off to the side while I laid there on an old looking sofa

"and could you also explain why hes been constantly spouting out bone puns?"

"because it tickles my funny fancy and my bone!" I exclaimed as I waited until I heard a loud groan of displeasure on the other side of the line

"oooh good one you got not only 'this guys jokes are bad' groan but also the 'why hasn't alucard killed him yet?' moan" alucard stated giving me a large toothy grin

"thank you Im here all night and so on" I said chuckling in delight

"urgh so why haven't you know killed him yet?"

"because I like him and he just gives off this essence of badassary" alucard said as I couldn't help but give him a large grin

"thanks buddy now then where do I sign up on this killing vamps business?" I asked as alucard just grinned at me

"oh this is going to be fun"

Chapter 1 end

* * *

 **and done hope you all enjoyed and if you want to drop a suggestion or something go on ahead or better yet constructive critism Is very much welcome as well**

 **now until next time I hope yall have a good one**

 **and before I do leave has a quick profile on well myself**

* * *

Profile

name: Hamish(no last name)

age: 19

height: 6'2

body type: fairly muscular a bit of fat

hair: brown short curly hair

likes: music, ice cream, stealing, jokes

dislikes: people

fears: spiders(yeah so normal, FUCK SPIDERS!)

nationality: New Zealand European

clothes: blue unzipped fur lined hoody, white t shirt with the H20 Delirous hockey mask on the front, black cargo pants, brown belt, grey and white DC sneakers, a pair of black thin framed glasses

background: I died what the fuck more do you need to know?

* * *

 **there we go now I can leave you all with this**

 **don't forget to leave a**

 **fave**

 **follow**

 **and a review**

 **LATERS!**


	2. meeting the priest himself

**YO IM HERE**

 **and on request to a certain reviewer heres your longer chapter**

 **now onto the reading!**

* * *

Chapter 2

"you know looking back on it now maybe i should have said something else" I stated as I casually walked through the empty looking hospital hands in pockets

Frowning slightly at the situation ive gotten myself in I just couldn't help but retrace my steps

I mean how did get into this situation again?

FLASHBACK A WEEK BEFORE

"you ready?" I asked alucard

He chuckled in response as he held his pistol up in response

"oh I like the enthusiasm" I said as I knocked on the door in front of me and waited for the immediate answer

"who is it?" the muffled voice came as the both of us just grinned

"oh you know-" I started as alucard casually pulled the trigger of his large cannon like pistol

After what appeared to be a barrage of machine gun fire from the gun the door came off the hinges revealing us to the now dying rip off of a vampire

"a real fucking vampire!" alucard yelled as he fired one more time at the terrible vampires head finally ending the worst movie series I have ever had the chance to watch (not kidding I've watched them all and it was only for the violence)

"well there goes one terrible franchise, wanna do hunger games next?" I questioned as alucard chuckled

"oh that just sounds delightful, but this franchise hasn't ended just yet" alucard stated as the both us heard the crash of glass

"I knew I forgot something, ha that says everything about the series" I said as I literally forgot that moody bitch which caused alucard to laugh

"your right it does, ah well lets give the police girl have a chance of ending the series" alucard said as he quietly vanished into the shadows leaving me smirking slightly as I stared at the bullet hole filled corpse.

"either I've gotten desensitised to this shit or this is apart of the fic, meh not like I give a shit" I said as I slowly held my hand outwards and concentrated as a large gaster blaster appeared in front of me

"get rid of the body" I stated to the floating dragon/crocodile skull as it fired a blue energy blast that wiped only the corpse from existence and left was nothing, no ash, no blood just nothing.

"nice" I said patting the bone construct as it slowly disappeared into nothing.

"wonder how seras is doing?" I questioned out loud walking towards the broken large window as I saw in the distance the stupid vampire bitch running away

*BANG!*

"THERE I TOOK THE BLOODY SHOT, THERES BLOOD EVERYWHERE ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!?" I heard the yell as I gave a cheeky chuckle

"shit son that's some rage" I said walking out of the window and casually landed on the grassy ground with little injury seeing as physic's didn't seem to hold me down with its laws I smiled tucking my hands into my white fur lined blue hoodies pockets and made my way towards the dead body to dispose of said body.

It wasn't the greatest job or the most exciting but it was on the scene of alucards more active duties, basically I was his babysitter that didn't do his job right but is still hired because they do something right which forces the parents to continuously hire me until I'm no longer needed.

Concentrating again I summoned another gaster blaster and got rid of the body and everything in the middle

"I better get a fucking pay rise for ending the existence of twilight" I muttered hoping I did

LATER

In the hellsing mansion

"so the three of you have taken the targets out, correct?" sir integra asked while alucard sat in his black throne while seras stood off to the side and I laid down on my bed/leather couch with my hands under my head eyes closed while I listened to her on the loud speaker

"yep and our lovely bonerific punster has taken the time to get rid of the…'evidence'" alucard said as the both of us chuckled at the double inside joke

"good, I hope then that's all" integra said

"whoa wait, hold on your not going to yell at me?" alucard questioned in surprise

"why would I yell at you for doing your job?" integra asked in confusion

My body quickly sat up with my eyes open swiping my hand around my neck, shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up you idiot!

"uuuuuuuuuuh no reason" alcuard said looking up as he now fucked himself up, shit here we go

"aluuuuucaaaard what did you do?" integra said demanding as she caught alucard

"nice one asshole, you royally fucked us now!" I yelled at alucard as he held his hands up

"oh come on it isn't that bad, I mean except for that truck driver" alucard said as I face palmed, oh were fucked now

"What. Did. You. Two. Do" integra said as I winced as her tone was very threatening

"ok fine after the job I kinda got a bit hungry, so I made my way towards the closest fast place which incidentally ended up being a taco truck, called ainsely's taco business" I started the story

(warning before hand if you know the youtuber fitz then you know Ainsely and if you don't please just look up "CS:GO SAVED HIS LIFE" that's literally the title of the video and that should give you a bit of background)

 _Flash back_

 _"_ _you see I never really had a taco so I just decided anything would do"_

"yo I'll take uuuuuuuh 1 taco and aaaaaaaaah I guess some nachos as well" I stated as the taco owner nodded

"okey one taco, 5 enchiladas, 2 toti-"

"whoa whoa whoa I said 1 taco and nachos not enchiladas" I said as the owner looked at me blankly

"ooooooooooh ok I hear ya, so 1 taco, 1 nachos 6 enchil-"

"whoa whoa no no no I just said 1 taco and 1 nachos nothing more" I said again as the guy once again just stared at him blankly again

 _"_ _so long story short we kept going back and forth until well…"_

 _"_ _alucard"_

 _"_ _how'd you know?"_

 _"_ _its always alucard"_

"yo whats taking so long oooooooooo Mexican I haven't had one for a while" alucard said walking in

"oh no" I said knowing where this was going

"hello welcome to ainsely's taco business I'm ainsely you want taco!?" ainsely yelled at alucard as he chuckled evily

"oh gladly, I'll take one taco filled with the blood of a Mexican" alucard said seriously

"oh ok that will take a while, JUINIOR START CUTTING YOUR USELESS ARM AGAIN!" ainsely yelled as alucard grinned hungrily at ainsely

 _End flash back_

"and well yeah he ate the Mexican taco truck owner and I had to get rid of the evidence" I said as I waited for integra's response

*breathes in slowly breathes out slowly*

"ALUCAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!"

And here we go again

"oh come on I was hungry too, killing a movie series off can make me very hungry, well thirsty but you get what I mean" alucard said as I just fell back onto my couch and sighed

"I cant even take the time to find some way to punish you but by fucking god I am!" integra yelled

"well in his defence the taco guy was annoying as fuck!" I yelled as it was true with his voice and all just sounding both whiney and his accent was a cross between a bad Mexican soap opera and a stereotypical Asian accent.

All in all he had it coming

"I don't care now I have more paperwork to do thanks to you two!" integra yelled

"hey hey hey you think I didn't think of that?" I said quickly

"oh how can you get me out of this one then?" she asked as I grinned

"I got rid of both the evidence of the truck and us being anywhere near said truck and if his family calls the police they aint got anything to trace it back to hellsing so there redeem n weep bitch!" I yelled fist pumping into the air in victory

"…sigh I just cant be bothered anymore, goodnight" and with that she hung up as both me and alucard sighed in relief

"why the fuck did you have to mention that shit man?" I questioned alucard as he just shrugged

"not my fault I thought that bitch tornado knew already" alucard said seriously in surprise

"well thank god I gave that bitch tornado the abridged version I mean even R rated would be too small of a gesture for the violence and blood shed you caused I mean I just barely watched it without throwing up, getting rid of the evidence was a complete miracle on my part" I said as it was true, shivering in the memories that rushed through my head

"that's never going away anytime soon" I muttered in disgust

"meh pussy" was all alucard said as I rolled my eyes at the fucker, turns out I wasn't so desensitised as I thought.

IN THE PREASENT

"that doesn't sound right wait hold on it was yesterday, now I remember" I said as I remembered being bored and well alucard and seras were….."training"(not having sex it was just alucard fucking around with seras about how to use her powers, which was funny at first then it started to get sad)

And well as bored as I was I kinda got well…really bored

LITERALLY YESTERDAY

Laying on my couch I casually strummed a small riff on an electric guitar and said riff came out of the amp I had hooked it up to

Now if your wondering where I got said instrument and amp it was simple, stole it

What? I'm admittedly a believer in the art of the 5 finger discount, theft and finally being a kleptomaniac.

Stopping said riff I casually turned the amps main settings up to about really loud and stood up with strap over my shoulder while I played one of my fav songs ever

"nightmaaaaaaaaaare!" I sang playing the intro to nightmare by avenge sevenfold

*LOUD GUITAR NOISES!*

As I played I felt the entire room shake with the bass of the amp rebounding around the cobble stone man room

And by god was it fun as hell, too bad every party had to have some bitchy as pooper

*BANG!*

"SHUT THAT FUCKING THING UP!" suddenly integra shouted as she shot my amp with her gun, fucking the entire thing up

"hey I was shredding!" I yelled as she just glared at me

"I don't give a flying fuck, you fucking asshole now shut the fuck up I'm trying to do my paperwork!" she yelled at me as I gave her a blank look

"does it look like I give a flying fuck about your damn paperwork?" I stated blandly

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…..well then if you say so then I guess you want to go out I take it?" integra stated staring at me blankly

"well I guess?" I stated as I really didn't like where this was going

"then maybe you can do me a quick job then" she said as she slowly had a small grin on her face that kinda looked like-

"oh shit, you really are his master"

At that I couldn't help but shiver as the woman gave me one of the best alucard laughs I've ever heard

"son of a bitch"

BACK TO THE PRESENT

"oh yeeeeeeeaaaaaaah that pretty much explains why I'm here, kinda weird how I just forget the how like in the beginning of the chapter but hey I cant blame story telling at its best" I said walking through the hallways and now that I remembered correctly alucard and seras was supposed to go here.

But now that I'm here, I going to have to not only deal the zombie fuckers (which I have already killed in the entrance and have essentially cleaned up) but also elgh Alexander Anderson, the one priest I never wanted to be anywhere near for any and all reasons, starting from the obvious rape jokes and all the way up to the straight up murderous opinionated catholic that this is.

"this is not going to end well" I said continuing to walk down the dark and spooky hallway's

"my my well if it isn't this a treat, a bloody heathen!" I heard the stereotypical Irish accent

"oh theres the smell of hypocrisy" I said turning around blankly staring at the taller male cold hearted killer

"and oh my isn't this a surprise, little Timmy aint taped to your crotch, progress" I said doing my best alucard impression (and with living with the vampire for the last month or so has been quite the interesting experience)

"aaaaaah lookie here, a bloody heathen" he replied with a demented grin

"am I covered in blood?" I muttered to myself looking at my hoody as I didn't see any blood on it, I mean I get the heathen but bloody? Unless hes meaning adjective and literal then, huh now I feel kinda dumb

"mind giving me your name before I flambé your sorry protestant ass" he asked

"well I only find it more fitting if you give me yours I mean it is only polite for the church to warn me before they start preaching" I said as he narrowed his eyes and losing his grin

"fine I'll give you the curtesy the name is Alexander Anderson" he said seriously

…

…

…

…

…

"ok alexander I'm Hamish" I said politely as alexander started to grin widely

"you have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world!" alexander yelled and here we go with this shit, sighing to myself I slowly closed my eyes and started to concentrating, lets do this.

"you will witness what happens here today and you will tell of it later!" alexander paused as I knew where this was going

"except you wont! Cause I woulda killed ya!" alexander yelled as he started to laugh maniacally annnnnnd here comes my funny rebuttle!

"boondock saints called bitch, they want to sue you for copy right issues!' I yelled

alexanders laughing stopped as hes probably looking at me with a frown

"wot no it isn't! I came up with it a week ago" he yelled

"uuuuuh yeah, I mean come the fuck on I loved that movie and I know when someone is referencing one of my favourite movies!" I yelled back at him opening my eyes as I felt my bones being summoned right behind me

"but hey I'm only here for the vampire but as far as I can see you've most likely killed the fucker, so tell me what do you want now?" I asked watching as alexander's grin came back bigger and wider than ever.

"its your corrupt acclaim-"

"boondock saints jesus fucking Christ you must watch it religiously" pausing I couldn't help but laugh at my own joke

"get it?" I asked watching as he gave me a glare

"aaaaah fuck it!" and with that alexander shot forwards bayonets held over head ready to stab and slice me to death

"I don't think so!" I yelled as my left eyes changed yellow and my summoned bones came flying out from all around me spinning as I sent them towards alexander

"shit!" the catholic yelled as he quickly deflected and blocked the on coming spinning bones as they broke the boynets alexander continued to summon more and more as he blocked the continuous assault

"your lucky anderson and I mean it you could be having a ball of a time trying to kill alucard, but you got me instead and like you I can and I will go on forever or until I get bored and do this" pointing my finger upwards summoned a huge bone coming up from the floorboards and slammed the priest in the gut and sent him up into the ceiling , bring it back down I pushed the bone back up slamming him into the ceiling again and again and again and again until I just stopped and watched as his slammed face first into the floor.

With a snap of my fingers my summoned bones quickly slammed down locking alexander down with bone like restraints.

"like I said your lucky its me cause you could be playing games every time you see alucard but with me, I am straight up and to the point, and the point I'm trying to make is if the catholic church or the Vatican dare step over a certain line and you will know that line I will make the holocaust look like your everyday seral murder and alucard would gladly help in making it true understood?" I asked as I made my intentions well obvious

"oh I understand just another protestant shooting off heretical bullshit!" alexander shouted as he tried to push himself off my bone restraints

"well guess I should end this on a good joke soooooo with the way I see it alexander your kinda boned" laughing at my joke I heard alexander pause in his pushing and looked up at me and just gave a blank stare

"that was terrible" he said blandly as I just froze

That was….different and here I expected him to insult me or throw up another one of his jesus quotes but nope he didn't even give me an insult or anything he just said it so blandly like it was just so obvious, but then again that joke was a little bit on the dry side(HEY YOOOOOOOOO!)

"says the boned man" I stated ignoring the comment as he quickly went back to trying to push my bone restraints off

"for fucks sake" rolling my eyes I pulled out my phone and called integra

"Hamish!? Good your alive" integra said in a panicked tone

"uh yeah integra heeeeeeey I'm kinda of in the middle of snag here with the church being here and all" I said looking down at Anderson as he glared at me angrily

"no kidding what happened" integran inquired as I just smirked

"caught myself between nearly dying and being saved by a kind catholic" I stated seriously watching as Anderson froze and stared at me in shock

"y-your kidding me a catholic preist saved your ass?" integra said in disbelief

"yeah shocking I know heh never expected one of gods preachers would save a would-be sinner like me ey" I said with a smile

"…well if that's all, is the target dead?"

"yep deader than a doorknob" I said as I got a sigh on the other end

"well then come back to base post haste we have more to discuss, and Hamish"

"yeah?" I asked in surprise

"good job" and with that the bitch hung up

…

…

...

…

…

…

…

"well talk about interesting" I stated pocketing my phone

"well you heard the lady I've gotta go" I said snapping my fingers DE summoning my bone restraints

"until next time you Irish copy right of an actually good movie!" I yelled throwing a bone through the glass of the window and concentrated as I summoned a gaster blaster outside.

Quickly jumping outside and on top of the dragon skull I turned around and waved to the now standing priest

"next time I'll buy ya a drink for good fortune!" I yelled as the gaster blaster flew off to the nearest airport, its about time I came back home.

With Anderson

"who in the protestant fucking hell was that fucker!?" Anderson shouted watching the teenager fly off on a literal dragon skull and casually if he may add

"either I haven't killed enough heathens or I've finally lost my fucking mind"

* * *

 **hey hows it going hope you guys enjoyed this one cause I know I enjoyed writing it**

 **and I really loved reading those two reviews as small as they were I liked how they were very positive and hope to have some more in the future**

 **other than that I'm going to go now cause I have more to do and I'm going to enjoy it**

 **oh well now before you go off please don't forget to leave a**

 **fave**

 **follow**

 **and a review**

 **LATERS**


	3. the exterminators in bitches

**here ya fucking go people go nuts and I'm loving the oncoming support**

 **and please take read in the authors not down below please it may change somethings for the future of this fanfic**

 **and disclaimer is as follows I don't own this shit**

 **thank you for reading now onto the reading**

* * *

Chapter 3

"hello alucard how was your mission in Japan?" integra asked over the speaker as me and alucard were in our usual positions

"eh I'd say 99.9% done" alucard said as I rolled my eyes

"yeah and the 0.1% was killed by me" I said jumping into the conversation

"oh yes thank you Hamish for fixing alucards mistake" integra thanked

"sup bitch?" alucard quickly interjected as I could hear the oncoming sigh from her mouth

"I need to talk to you about something actually its about the two of you about some important guests coming in today" integra stated

"are they hookers/are they hookers" both me and alucard said at the same time as we grinned evilly

"…..no"

"and like that you have lost us!" I yelled receiving a thumbs up from my friend in the red

"they are our financial suppliers" integra said

"oh they gotta hate us" alucard joked

"10 times out of 10 I bet they got a hate boner the size of London tower" I said as the both of us laughed

"sigh…for the first one yes and the second one…I'm not even touch it let alone acknowledge its very being of existence"

"I didn't hear a nooooo!" I said playfully

"sigh but thanks to hating us they've cancelled our budget" integra said in annoyance

"oooooo that sounds bad, we that right? walter we need that right?"

"yes very important" I heard the very polite old man voice

"thank you walter" alucard thanked openly

"of course sir"

"for the last couple of years we have had some…expensive claims"

"oh god here we go" I said rubbing my head as I felt the most annoying bitching was coming

"like what?"

"first off property damage"

Cut to an exploding street filled with innocent bystanders and hookers

"dozens of noise complaints"

Cut to me playing along to alucard's metal music

"sorry I cant hear yooooou!" alucard yelled

"killing at least at least a dozen innocent people"

"oh so did Anthony Hopkins and he got a fucking Oscar for it!" alucard yelled

"annnnnd all the sexual harassment"

Me and alucard stared at each other in silence that felt like it went on like bad gas

Alight time to make my claim open

"that was all alucard I don't do that shit, no matter how fucked up I can be I draw the line between children and woman" I stated as calmly as I could trying to get my honest to god point across.

"that I can actually attest too!" seras yelled in the background

After about another 30 seconds alucard finally spoke

"I'm not apologizing"

"listen I know this isn't asking allot but-"

"buuuuuuuuut?"

"-I want you to keep yourself locked in the basement until all of them are gone"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I get the distinct impression that you are embarrassed of me"

"your not the number one person in the year" I said as I got a grin in reply

"alucard"

"I'm gonna go with nooooooo"

"this is important-"

"so was the US elections and look where that's taken them" I said as I got another thumbs up from alucard

"-and I don't want the both of you causing a scene"

"I don't have to take this, Hamish grab your coat we are going for a walk!" alucard instructed

"oh no you don't"

"oh whos going to stop me oh wait I know micheal-who-doesnt-exist"

"…..sigh what do you want?"

Pausing the both of us just stared blankly for a minute

"I'm sorry what?"

"I said what do you want do I have to give you to keep you down here for the evening"

Alucard grinned an evil grin

"I'm gonna need a new gun and give one to the police girl" alucard said

"but I already have a gun"

"psh give that bitch a cannon, bitches love cannons"

"especially the meat kind!" I yelled in tune while alucard grinned at me

"and while your at it give Hamish one too, kid needs a bit more of a baddasery edge"

Widening my eyes at the notion I saw him stare at me for a second with something that did look cocky or condescending, something like…worry?

Ignoring the rest of the conversation considering I've already heard it that many times before(hence why I'm no longer writing anymore of the conversation) I laid back down and just had a quick think to myself seeing as I had the metaphorical time and all.

So a recap its been about at least a month and a half since I got here and I've loved every second of it, well if you don't count the constant training from walter, the constant bitching from integra and the extremely weird sexual attraction I'm getting from seras

What? oh come on shes got some fucking tits on her how could I not be attracted to her.

And then theres alucard as much as I like the guy his murderous streak has kept me more busy than walter's training.

Id rather not go into the specific's but I've grown very used to the occasional innocent bystanders death, seriously after the first week I saw more dead people than the texas chainsaw massacre(minded I've never seen the movie but you understand the speculation)

Then we got my kinda kleptomaniac shit, basically I just cant help but steal stuff, meh not like I care but lately the stuff I've been stealing have left me a sour taste

"still cant believe you stole the old ladies walker" seras stated as I was using said walked as a foot rest

"yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaah I think I'm losing my edge and my line between useful and useless is starting to fade, make sure walter makes a note later that if I don't find I use to it we throw it, sell it or hell give it to charity"

"…riiiiiiiiiight I'll get to that" seras said awkwardly

Looking up at the blonde vampire I gave her a small smile and sighed

"look how about next time I steal something I'll make sure its nice and I'll give it to ya" I said kicking the walker-used-foot-rest away and stood up stretching

"sigh but until then I'm going to go make my self some….lunch?" I questioned as I've kinda lost my sense of time

"its 2 in the morning" seras said with a smile

"great I feel like I'm turning more and more, if you see me having a slight craving for blood seras shoot me or something will ya?" I asked walking past her and tapping her shoulder

"1 monster is enough in this world and we don't need another" I said seriously moving past her as I gave her a hidden meaning, just a slight hint, nothing more nothing less as I like

LATER

Staring blankly at the wooden box I couldnt help but just pinch my nose wondering why just….why?

"I see your face is telling me your new arsenal is not up to your standard Hamish" walter said standing next to me as I sighed

"no walter its quite the opposite actually, I mean I just cant help but feel that I should have seen this coming" I said as I really really should have seen this coming

"ah yes alucard's crude humour has finally affected you, not to say I'm not surprised but I'm indeed very surprised its taken him this long for him to change his eyes to you" walter said as I shook my head

"nah fuck this he aint getting to me not no!" I yelled turning around as I walked towards the nearby closet and walked right in, when I came out from the other side I was inside me and alucard's main dungeon like room we have both decided we would reside in for now.

Where I came out though would be interesting considering it was right behind alucards own thrown

"oooh kid took you long enough" I heard alucard's voice

"sigh where the fucks my cannon?" I questioned

"what no hello, my that's rude but then again I cant really talk" alucard said as I casually walked around and sat my ass down on my couch

"fine hey alucard, hows your day? Oh good I thought so mine not so much when a certain vampire king going by the crimson fucker, which I follow on twitter-"

"oh you must be the sapphire hellrasier!" alucard clapped pointing at me as he really was enjoying this conversation.

"-yes that's me, but turns out the crimson fucker's taken something from me and well replaced that said something with….well 16 inch throbbing purple dildo" pausing I gave alucard a blank look

"and it has a vibrating function" at that notion alucards small grinned burst open as he laughed loudly

"ahahahahaha you should see your face I haven't seen a quiet pissed off face in ages, usually it's the bitches yelling ahahahahahaha" alucard said while laughing

But hearing now I couldn't help but snort and smirk

"yeah yeah yeah I've got a funny face, now can I get my gun now?" I questioned as alucard's mad laughter slowly turned into a small chuckle

"fine here!" with a swipe of alucard's hand I watched as a black object came flying at me

And well I wasn't fast enough to catch it

*SMASH THUD!*

"OOOOOOOW YOU MOTHER FUCKER!" I yelled in pain as I grabbed my nose in pain as I could hear alucard's laughter came back louder than ever

Grabbing my nose I gritted my teeth as I moved and cracked it back into place

"fuuuuuuucking nazi mother fucker!" I yelled in pain as I really felt it

"ahahahahahaha I hope to fucking god walter has the cameras on cause that's GIF worth posting ahahahaha!" alucard laughed as I just grumbled and looked down at the metal object he threw me

It was something of the hammer you know the that heavy pistol from crisis, well its more like its from crisis 3 but not like I care

Holding the gun normally I ejected the gun and checked the mag as I saw it was filled with mercury tipped explosive bullets I sighed knowing fully well that these bullets are going make a normal top body explode.

Something I wasn't really liking the image of but with what coming I was going to need an edge or well now that I think about do I really need an edge? This is an M rated crack fic and I'm basically the main character soooooooooo yeah do I really need this?

After a quick debate I shrugged and stood up cracking my neck I grabbed a nearby tissue and stuffed it in my nose to stop the bleeding

"well thanks a lot you fucking dick, I'll be going now!" I said walking towards the stairs

"ahahahahaha yeah yeah fuck you too kid, now then time for some adventure time" alucard said in a more excited manner as he quickly started to ignore my presence

Geez what a way to start a day.

LATER

"I'm still wondering how at this time and place that you making elgh hotdogs is something productive for you to do" walter said as we stood in the side room where seras basically slept next to and I was casually cooking hotdogs with my well stolen food cart

"hey I promised id cook for the men so I'm cooking them something simple" I stated making sure not to over cook said hotdogs

"yes I see, but I do not really see the appeal for them to eat such…unhealthy food"

Staring at walter as he gave my food cart a stink eye I just rolled my eyes at him

"walter why the fuck are you complaining to me about food when you could be upstairs helping integra mentally deal with the self entitled cunts that dare tell anyone that they are the same people that protect the nation" I stated staring at him as he gave me a surprised look

"well its because at the moment I don't see her needing my immediate hel-"

*BEEP!*

"walter can you the police girl and Hamish come here please, we may have a situation" integra said as I just stared at him blankly

"you were saying?" I questioned with a smirk as he just gave me a good natured smile

"aaaah to be young again" he said good naturedly as he patted my shoulder

*FLICKER!*

Looking up at the lights as they flickered on and off I sighed and turned the cooker off

"looks like I'm not cooking for anyone now" I said knowing fully well where this was going, so pulling out my hammer(the gun!) I pulled the slide and walked towards the closet

"well come along you two follow me" I said as I watched as the two were right behind me

"sigh lets go see integra" I said opening and walking through the closet the two quickly followed me as we ended up in the hallway

"what the-?"

"I can mildly teleport where ever I want but with other people I have to make due with shortening the distance" I quickly explained sans bullshit but also slightly nerfed teleporting powers

"I don't even think tha-"

"it is big tits and let me tell you its bullshit, I think its bullshit, walter knows its bullshit and integra loses her shit whenever I accidentally walk in her change….ing oops." Pausing for a moment I quickly noticed that everything kind of went silent

"excuse me but what do you mean but accidentally walking in to integra's bedroom?" I heard walter ask as his hand held my shoulder

Ooooooooooh shit I may have said too much again

"in my defence I was trying to figure it out and well I sometimes ended up walking in at the wrong time" I quickly stated

"that might explain those bruises I see and maybe why master always laughs whenever I bring it up" seras said as I nodded my head

"yeah and well punish me later walter we have a job to do" I said seriously or tried to but with walter's grip got tighter

"Hamish I think its best if you go for the enemy while me and the police girl go and attend to integra _agreed_?" at the tone of agree I could see faint shimmers of steel string in the air just swaying left and right, creeping right in front of me.

"um ok I'll take care of the enemy and uh please don't hurt if any of them get past me" I said as I felt his grip moved off my shoulder

"good police girl lets go" and just like that walter walked off while seras patted my back

"don't worry you'll do ok" she said trying to reassure me

"yeah its like sex sooo easy" I said as she just giggled

"just do what you always do" she said smiling and then running off to follow walter

"sigh do what I always do huh?" I said looking at my hammer(still a gun!) I looked back up and sighed

"well shes right on one thing" I said outloud turning around pulling the slide back

*CLICK!*

"I always do what I do" and with that I pulled my hood over my head and walked around the corner and teleported

Coming around the corner I froze as I saw the entire hallway in front of me littered with bodies, blood and zombies, zombies and oh hey look ZOMBIES

Taking a deep breath I concentrated and felt my bones appear behind me

"RAGH!" one of the armoured zombies ran at me full intent in taking a bite of me but unfortunately I wasnt in the mood

*BANG BOOM! BODY EXPLOSION SOUNDS!*

In the mood for pure hardcore murder

"lets have some fun shall we?" I stated holding my smoking gun up at the next zombie as I felt my bones float right next to me

Pulling the trigger another zombie exploded with my gun while my floating bones flew over slamming into the nearby zombies

"come get some you fucking cunts!" I yelled watching as another zombie charged at me

With a snap of my finger of my finger my bones flew forwards stabbing the zombie relentlessly killing it, shifting my eyes to the next zombie I snapped my fingers and watched as my dislodge themselves from the last zombie and impaled the next one.

I repeated this process over and over, walking slowly forwards murdering everything in my or tried to take a quick bite out of me.

Smiling every chance encounter that got too close where I had no choice but to use my hammer and watching as their heads chests and their entire body explode from time to time until I ran out and well I reloaded of course.

It got more and more bloody and I couldn't help but ignore my blood-stained shoes and how the blood splatter accented my clothes or how my floating bones bleed and dripped with said blood.

I stopped and quickly pulled my gun pointing at another target and was about to fire when my eyes noticed who I was pointing my gun at

A guard one of the very extremely few men that managed to get away, his entire body covered in blood sweat tears and….elgh piss

He shook in fear as he stared at me

My finger twitched as he whimpered in fear

My head slowly started to take actual notice what I was doing and I quickly grabbed my wrist and pulled hand away from the guard

"sigh run" I said as the man did hesitate to turn tail and ran away

Looking down I looked at me hands

I nearly killed someone that wasn't a ghoul(yes I know it's a ghoul I just prefer calling them zombies)

I felt dirty I felt horrible, I nearly threw up and then well what else but

 ** _PURE UNADULTERATED FUCKING RAGE!_**

Gritting my teeth, hands clenched, eyes wide, I glared at the ghouls as I tried to find that mother fucking cunt that start this shit!

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU VALENTINE!?" I yelled knowing fully well he could hear me

With the cunt now

"huh da fuck was that?"

Back to me

Turning around another corner I fired my gun instinctively watching as yet another ghoul's head exploded

Fuck this is getting me no where!

"fuck it" and with my eyes closed I quietly summoned not one but two gaster blasters side by side opening my eyes I watched as the fallen corpse like guards slowly stood back up

"I'm playing exterminator over and over and over again sigh" sighing I casually held my hand upwards

*SNAP!*

Everything went quiet as the gaster blasters floated forwards and fired their large blue energy beams

Watching with a small smile everything caught within the gaster blasters range was obliterated atomically leaving no blood or signs of the ghouls ever rising in the first place.

"where the fuck are you…." Pausing mid sentence I couldn't help but face palm at my dense stupidity

"should have thought of that one before" I said remembering that this fucker was pretty much definitely where integra was

"alright in my defence I was a little too preoccupied with killing ghouls" I said to myself as I felt one of my gaster blasters nudge me

Looking at the giant skull I couldn't help but sigh and smile petting the skulls snout

"yeah I got it buddy lets go" and that I quickly jumped up and climbed onto of the gaster blasters head and sat down

The second gaster blaster disappeared as I really did need another one for a while

"lets go!" and with that the two of us flew off down the hallways

I had a stupid fuckwit to kill and I'm going to make it slow and as painful as possible

3RD POV

Walter growled as the rude young man cussed more and more aggravating and trying his patience more and more

And that Viagra comment was really pissing him off too

Seras on the other hand was didn't really feel anything well to be honest she felt annoyed too but it was walter's comment about her being a police girl, it was like out of everyone hellsing Hamish was literally the only one that calls her anything but police girl, admittedly it was sometimes derogative terms, but they were only used when he felt the need to be sarcastic or funny.

"argh take a joke asshole" and then there was this asshole

Jan valentine one of the most rudest most foulest man either one of them have ever met, then again they haven't seen Hamish when hes pissed off(I'm just saying)

His obnoxious voice, demeaner and everything in between spoke volumes for how much the world would be better off with such a repulsive man

Growling in annoyance walter pulled some steel wires with his teeth ready to torture the shit out of this man

But froze as he saw a very familiar and disturbing sight of purple glowing eyes and groaning

Grinning evilly, jan used the distraction to push seras off and jumped away quickly flipping with a grin jan presented the ghouls stumbling towards the doors

"and now for the upcoming company picnic" seras and walter's eyes widen more in horror as the companions of the hellsing were now turned gouls

"unfortunately all your douchebag friends will only be brining their own rotting flesh, still better than potato salad, if you ask me, now if you don't min-"

"THERES THAT FUCKING CUNT!" jan stopped his statement as him and the ghouls froze and turned around and at the end of the hallway stood Hamish, hood shadowing his face while his had a bunch of different blood splatters

"who the fuck are you!?" jan yelled watching as a pair of blue glowing eyes shone form under the shadowed hood

"you have officially pissed me off that's who" Hamish said as he brought his hand up

Walter and seras watched in shock as jan's body slowly started to glow blue and suddenly he started to float

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" jan yelled in shock as he squirmed trying to stop floating and suddenly he flew towards Hamish and stopped suddenly just in front of Hamish

"who in the fucking hell are you wizard of oz!?" jan yelled as Hamish just stared at him blankly

"come on say something you fuc-URGH!" with out another thought Hamish pointed downwards, jans body seemed to follow as he was slammed into the floor really hard

"AH MOTHER FU-ARGH!" jan yelled in pain as Hamish curb stomped his head

"shut up for a second your dads in the middle of something" Hamish said fuelling his inner alucard

looking up at the oncoming ghouls Hamish grinned snapping his finger summoning his gaster blaster

"go for it buddy you deserve to go out every now and again" Hamish commanded as the gaster blaster's jars lowered and split apart and gave a death chilling roar that shook the entire mansion

"walter have you ever seen gaster blaster do that before?" seras asked holding her ears in pain

"only once and I've got to say that I wasn't too impressed at first but when gaster blaster did, that training session turned interesting" walter said as the gaster blaster's head started glow

Bones started to appear and fly around more and more until they all came together behind gaster blaster and formed a body…a dragon body

"oooooooh shit on a monkey wrench your fucking kidding me!?" seras shouted in shock

"yes I wouldn't use the correct wording but I too had the same expression" walter said watching as the now named gaster dragon bended it head down and chomped down on a random ghoul and started to eat it.

"now then where the fuck was I going with this again?" Hamish wondered staring down at jan as he still glowed blue

"you fucking cu-ARGH!" jan yelled in pain as a bullet from hamish's hammer exploded his left foot

"sorry care say that again?" Hamish asked casually

"who the fuck are you!?" jan yelled

"didnt I just say your dads in the middle of something oh sorry step dad, you know with your mother being sucking my dick lately I keep forgetting the whore had two bastard sons" Hamish said again fuelling his inner alucard

"now then your going to tell your dear old man everything about the bad men who hired you and your blonde transvestite of a brother ok?" Hamish said in the sweetest voice he could come up with

"ehehehehe if you think your fucking swee-ARGH WILL STOP FUCKING SHOOTING ME!" jan yelled as his right foot exploded

"yeah no, now tell me what I want to know' Hamish said casually

"no how about you-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHH!" jan started to yell in pain as Hamish watched as he summoned a couple of really small bones and sent them up his severed legs

"I'm sorry care to say that again I did quite hear you the first time maybe I should stab a knife through your dick and play the konami code huh? would you like that son? Would like your old man to use your dick to play konami code? Hell I bet If I do it now you'd finally learn how to speak like an adult a not like uncultured American cunt" Hamish said as he stomped his foot on jans back and he yelled more and more in pain

Stopping the pain Hamish watched as jan slowly stopped yelling and was breathing slowly as he started to mumble something, with out another thought Hamish pointed nad fired his gun again making jan yell again in pain as his left knee exploded

"AAAAAAAAAAARGH I SAID IT WAS THE FUCKING NAZI'S YOU FUC-omph" jan stopped talking as he found Hamish quickly stuck his gun right into jans mouth

Jan looked up and his eyes widened in horror as gaster the dragon's bloody face stood above Hamish as blood casually dripped over and hit Hamish's now more or less soaked coat

"thank you now be a dear and give a message for me" Hamish said with a smile as it then turned into a glare

"TELL HELL TO HAVE FUN WITH THIS ONE!"

*BANG! EXPLOSION!*

And with that Hamish fired his gun watching as jan's head exploded, blood bone and grey matter flying everywhere as everything went quiet and then

"BLAGH I THINK SOME OF HIS BRAIN GOT INTO MY MOUTH!" Hamish shouted looking away as he spat out what his believed was a bit of jans brain, which was in reality, really really gross

"elgh how the fuck does alucard even eat this shit! I will never know and I don't want to know!" Hamish yelled as he stood up and continued to spat more and more believing their was still some more brain in his mouth.

"well that was interesting" walter said with a sigh as he saw the pure burtal destruction Hamish had caused

"sigh come along police girl time to tell intgra she no longer has to worry about the mess" walter said as he looked over to see seras just standing there frozen still

"police girl?" walter asked again and watched as seras slowly fainted backwards with a…nose bleed?

"...sigh that's alucard's influence alright" walter said pinching his nose as he found the current situation to be very annoying

LATER

Back to 1st POV

"sooooo we got our funding back right?" I asked laying down on me…..sigh now bullet filled couch

"and you now owe me a new couch" I said looking at alucard as he just gave me a wide toothy grin

"aaaaaaaaaah and just like that everything came back to order again" alucard said casually

"yess except for 99% of the staff was turned into ghouls and were all killed by Hamish in a blood filled rage that he surprisingly remembers very well, except for the police girl….for some reason"

"whats a blood rage and why dont I remember anything?" seras asked as I gave her a shrug, I mean I don't know I wasn't really with her at the time

"that reminds me have we found out who ever sent them?" alucard asked as all he got was silence

"it was the nazi's" I stated seriously

"HA I knew it!" alucard yelled

"it wasn't the nazi's" integra said

"oh well Hamish says otherwise"

"yes but he was in a blood rage and his memories can be fuzzy so for all we know it someone else and not the nazi's"

"…..bet you it's the nazi's"

"bet you your wrong"

"bet you're a skank"

"bet you're an asshole"

"BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!"

* * *

 **well I hope you all enjoyed it and well sorry if some of the more bloody filled scenes were slightly well under rated or well they felt under rated to me**

 **but anyway keep the love coming and also I would love to know who would you love to see as a future character?**

 **-papyrus revived**

 **-W.D gaster revived**

 **-undine revived**

 **-flowey revived**

 **-metatron revived**

 **so please pop in a review explaining why you want this character to be in the story and well i'll make my choice based off them**

 **honestly adding these characters would make this story just that much interesting or if you want I don't mind if you want to throw in an OC of your own into the mix**

 **but be warned these characters will not pop up until chapter 5 and well that's quite a while away**

 **so until then please keep up the support and well please don't forget to leave a**

 **fave**

 **follow**

 **and a review**

 **LATERS**


	4. my letter to the Vatican

**hi sup not going to hold you up but please read the authors note at the bottom for information of the future of this here fic**

* * *

CHAPTER 4

"it just had to be the French" I said taking a sip of mug of hot chocolate while I stood off to the side leaning against the wall as said French people were staring back me with large smirks of their own.

"hohohohohoho so what brings an Englishman-"

"whoa hold the fucking phone Frenchie I'm New Zealand European, part English yes but not entirely so if your going to bitch to me or call me names at least get it right you fucking cigarette loving fuck stick" I stated quite plainly

"your rude little man you know that" the red head stated as he gave me a plain stare

"rude? This is me being annoyed if you want me to be rude I'd be fucking your sister, but well here I am not fucking your sister so there I'm not being rude" I stated again channeling my inner alucard

"Hamish that's enough, go and do something else" integra instructed as I rolled my eyes walking out, but not forgetting to flip them off of course

"sure got better things to do than this shit" I said making my way out of the room teleporting towards to the garage

Seeing the old Roy Royce I quickly bypassed it and moved to a certain project I was in the middle of.

It was a simple bike, well a motorbike but a bike non the less

Everything was pretty much done, just needed to get the bike chain calibrated, the brakes fitted, electronics hooked up and finally a fresh paint job

All in all I was happy when integra stated that she would gladly help pay for the parts

As long as I don't do anything stupid retarded or…alucardy

A good deal so with that I had just made this baby in about a week well then again it has been at least what? 2 weeks from our little break in event.

Sighing to myself I quickly downed the rest of my drink and got back into work

*knock knock*

"um Hamish?" pausing from even starting my work I turned around and stared at the door as I found a smiling seras

"hey Hamish you um still needing some help?" she asked asked looking a bit nervous

"yep come on I still need to figure out how I'm going to fit the breaks on this damn thing" I said waving my hand gesturing for her to quickly come over, another interesting helpful part is seras has been well hanging out with me….like normally and not like how I hang out with alucard

 _ _Flashback__

"ok in my defence she should have said no" alucard stated as I glared at the 7 ft tall asshole

"she did, but we weren't listening considering we were casually covering the entire building in turpentine" I stated frankly

"aaaah but lets admit we didn't expect that smoker to come around now did you?"

"uh no I didn't but you on the other fucking hand did, with your stupid force bullshit powers" I stated as I remembered the events like this

Me and alucard were bored so we decided to vandalize a nearby homeless shelter with what you ask?

Turpentine of course

we just fucking covered the entire place with it

why?

Because we were huffing it and we got a bit well…..high as you do and well one thing lead to another we got told off by some random British cop who was a chick and well I stopped and alucard just said 'fuck that' and well like he said smoker came round and flick flick BOOM!

thankfully me the cop and alucard we no where near the building.

Problem was it was filled with homeless people, well dead homeless

"and to think its only a Tuesday" I said rubbing my head

 _ _Flashback end__

Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaah I was finally banned from going out on walks with alucard without seras or anyone that was a responsible and alucard couldn't or better yet wasn't allowed to kill.

"alright lets just-"

"HAMISH!" integra shouted as the both of us just turned and stared blankly at the clearly pissed off looking woman

…

…

…

…

…

"I swear whatever happened….alucard did it"

"sigh no we are going on a trip, lets go" integra stated blandly as she had a very cold glare

Ooooooh I remember this, wonder if the Vatican got my letter yet?

LATER

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd were in a museum great, wearing my freshly washed and clean blue fur lined hoody , a black t shirt with the words 'sup bitches' on the front, I casually wore a pair of black and white shorts because reasons and because this was all I was wearing at the time when integra decided to drag me and seras out, also may explain why I'm wearing a pair of pink slippers if anyone was curious

"sigh why the hell did you pull me away from my project?" I questioned in a whine as I was kinda annoyed at this shit

"well its literally been 5 days since you got out and well I thought it would be perfect for you get some sun in you" integra said as I gave her a blank stare

"you just chose me over alucard cause you know he was going to start some shit"

"yeah pretty much"

"fucking called it" I said stretching my arms over my head

"well who ever this Maxwell be, hes got be some brown nosed loving cunt that most definitely has some kids chained to his private plane and wait guess who paid for it? Oh yes the church's followers that believe they are doing gods almighty work, then again I cant blame the pope if doesn't go along with it mean the guys awesome to swap out the lavish thrown for such a normal wooden chair, bet 10 times out of 10 its more comfortable than that horrid throne"

Stopping my little rant I stared at integra who was currently face palming

"what?"

"ahem Hamish I think its best if you turned around" walter advised

Raising an eye brow I quietly turned around and saw, huh Maxwell lets have some fun

"da fuck you looking at you purple haired pony tail, lavish looking douche that looks like a priest who most likely got being sucked off by dear little timmy"

…

…

…

…

…

"do think I was a bit strong?" I asked walter quickly as he just sighed and shook his head

"oh god hes worse than alucard" integra said

"grrrrrrr ALEXANDER!"

Turning around I watched with wide eyes as ooooooooooh there you are.

Grinning with a wild look on his face alexander holding his bayonet like swords casually walked down the hallway

"its you, you heathen!" Anderson yelled

"oh I know its me and hey its you too my we need catch up" I said as I snapped my fingers and watched as one of my large ass bone shot out from the ground and hit Anderson in the gut and into the ceiling

"I did say catch up!" I cackled with a mad glee walking forwards as I pushed the purple haired cunt out the way I stared up at the stuck priest as he tried to get out of my bone trap

"grrrrr you filthy fucking-"

*BANG!*

With a pull of my trigger alexander's head exploded in red blood

"shut the fuck up you stupid prick!" I yelled as I snapped my fingers again summoning more bones to surround me

"sigh hamish stand down!" integra yelled as I rolled my eyes

"alright fine I had my fun" I said snapping my finger again I desummoned my bones and watched with a grin as alexander fell on the tiled ground with a thud

"get dunked on ya stupid priest" I said as I holstered my gun and walked off

"oh and maxwell a fair warning" I said staring at him

"don't you ever back stab or you might find yourself on the wrong end of an interesting conflict" I said with a small giggle watching in real amusement as he flinched in fear

"Hamish back to the car" integra said as I rolled my eyes and walked off

"fine laters walter" I said walking away

LATER

3RD POV

"alright integra I want 3 apologises" Maxwell started making integra confused

"you want 3 apologises?" she repeated as he nodded

"indeed first would be from you" Maxwell said

"me what do I have to apologize the Iscariot organization for?" she asked

"well other than wanting an apology for being a scum sucking blasphemy ignorant pros tenant pig sow, but in these cases of both your pet vampire and that…thing are of greater concern"

"what the hell has those two done now?"

"over the last 12 years your pet vampire has sent less than 200 hundred death threats to the pope" Maxwell said placing a book that was filled with different letters

"and by carrier pigeon no less, they just fly right into the Vatican" integra picked up and flipped a couple of the books pages

"the latest one came in and it was most concerning but your…..thing did the same thing as your vampire, but it was worse" maxwell said gaining integra's attention

"oh what did Hamish do?" integra said as she felt instant dread wash over her as she did not like where this was going

"it was the first letter and as read it said

 _ _Dear pope or whoever this may concern you__

 _ _I am a very concerned individual, not a follower if I may add__

 _ _But I will state this very clearly and simple, while my lovely friend and albeit my partner__

 _ _As you know him as the crimson fucker or in straight up terms alucard has quite the hate boner for your organisation__

 _ _Its quite the hard on you would expect after taking a blue pill and lasts for more than 4 hours but I think the long of it should be concerning__

 _ _But back on topic as his threats are fear inducing and are well quite threatening this letter is not to frighten you__

 _ _No no no of course this is a warning, not just for one singularity of your quite industrious organisation__

 _ _But instead this is a warning for everyone within the churches reaches__

 _ _Now you maybe wondering if this is real or not and I do say it very much is__

 _ _This warning states as follows__

 _ _To those who cross the line of the death of the innocence go ahead do it__

 _ _I'm not going to stop you__

 _ _Alucard isn't going to stop you__

 _ _The world is not going to stop you__

 _ _But know this when you do step over that line I am going to personally hunt down everyone the organisation cares about__

 _ _I'm going gather them up into one place and allow alucard the satisfaction of ridding the world of the reason why your filthy organisation is still standing__

 _ _And I'm going to film it__

 _ _LIVE__

 _ _And I'm going to enjoy the looks on your faces when you realise the one to truly blame is not me or alucard or anyone else__

 _ _But your precious organisation__

 _ _Now I wonder how they are going to take you down I wonder?__

 _ _Maybe the ironic way and stand you on crosses for you to slowly bleed away and die of hydration__

 _ _You know something jesus Christ should have died on__

 _ _Who knows maybe you'll live just as long as he did__

 _ _But I doubt that__

 _ _Oh well until then__

 _ _Yours sincerely__

 _ _The sapphire Hellraiser Or Hamish__

 _ _p.s hell has plenty of room for you dirty fucking heathens!__

…

…

…

…

…

"wow this is dark and I mean alucards dark but by fucking god Hamish is worse" integra stated in shock

"yes he is and the sapphire Hellraiser has sent us a note saying, 'look out for the dates later this year as well as the times on HBO, fox and sky news network' really if I didn't know any better id be concerned of your hold on this….thing" Maxwell said as he was very much concerned

"but for now how about that apology"

"sigh I'm sor-

LATER

"ok Hamish your going to therapy!" integra yelled as hamish froze

"wait what why!?"

"maybe it was because of allot of things, your insane actions, your back sass, hell if I didn't know it I'd call you alucard's son!"

"ahahahahahahaha!" alucard started to laugh his ass off at the comment

"shut up alucard!" Hamish yelled at alucard angrily

"but it had to do with your death threat to the Vatican" integra said slamming a piece of paper on her desk

…

…

…

…

"I wondered when they were going to get that" Hamish said casually while seras walked over and read it out loud

2 minutes later everyone was dead silent

Hamish was looking down trying to figure out what was going to happen, seras was horrid and shook in fear, walter didn't move but narrowed his eyes glaring at Hamish and integra was shaking in rage

And finally alucard was

*snif sniff*

Crying?

"m-master a-are you c-crying?" seras asked as alucard covered his face with his palm while his eyes slowly bled

"t-that was beautiful, walter this feeling I feel It warms my dead heart, is is this what you call pride?" alucard asked as he cried happy bloody tears of joy

"sigh for fucks sake" integra said sighing and face palming

"that's it your going to therapy end of story!" integra yelled as Hamish couldn't help but groan in annoyance

"god fucking damn it"

* * *

 **yo hows it going? hope you enjoyed this here chapter!**

 **well anyway sorry for this one being a bit shorter than usual but hey I have a good reason considering I want to break up some of the epsiodes into chapters for well plot reasons**

 **so next chapter well is going to be interesting, cause it will and like every other chapter has mainly purely focused on Hamish's pov and it still will until later on when that off shore ship gets highjacked.**

 **anyway the BIG news I have is simple**

 **I got a job!**

 **I got a fucking job meaning!**

 **I'm going to have less time on this fic, don't mean I'm abandoning it oh hell no, in fact you can say I'm going to be branching out later on through crossovers, but don't expect to have one until later when ive gotten everyone a bit well more involved in the fic(the characters I mean the characters!)**

 **also on the subject of time I will officially state this everyone Tuesday to Wednesday(I live in NZ so I'm a day in front of everyone so you most likely get it on either Monday or Tuesday) I will update this fic and if I'm late I will apologize ahead of time**

 **so yeah that's it for this chapter and well please don't forget to pop a review onwho you want to appear in this fic**

 **and just a reminder the characters are**

 **-papyrus revived**

 **-flowey revived**

 **-undine revived**

 **-W.D gaster revived**

 **-metaton revived**

 **so until next time please don't forget to leave a**

 **fave**

 **follow**

 **and a review**

 **LATERS**


	5. ive been drugged and halloween speacial

**yo disclaimer is I don't own it**

* * *

Chapter 5

"soooooooo were going to brazil?" I asked as I was now on a plane not wearing my usual clothes but instead a blue suit, no tie and white dress shirt

"yep" alucard replied as he sipped his….wine?

"are you drinking wine?"

"actually no I'm not this is bloodcotra"

"excuse me?" Frenchie asked

"yes bloodcotra it's a simple wine that's been aged for 40 years and is quietly mixed with blood, type O blood if I may add"

"…..that is very disturbing news" Frenchie said as I just shook my head

"not the most disgusting thing I've have seen him do, but gotta say that's something I would expect from the crimson fucker himself" I said sitting back onto my chair with a sigh

"aaaaaaw thank you" alucard said as he took another sip of his drink

"any way where is the police girl?"

"down stairs" I quickly said taking a sip of my bottle of beer that I had placed on board the planes fridge before hand

"but isn't that-"

"the cargo hold yep" alucard said with a wide grin

Cut to seras

"aaaaaaahhhh I have a fear of coffins, tight spaces and heightssssssssss!" seras moaned loudly hoping someone could hear her

LATER

While me and alucard were checking into our hotel room I stopped as I felt like someone was looking at me

Looking around the lobby all I saw was a bunch people all chattering walking you know the usual shit you see in a hotel, but it just felt really off

"white chicks is amazing" suddenly hearing the blastphamus words shaking me out of my little trance I turned back and saw the front desk guy giving me a dopey smile as if he just smoked some of the best weed in the world

"the fuck did you say?" I asked in confusion

"white chicks was amazing" with him saying it again I just, I just couldn't stop myself when I threw this stupid shit a bitch slap

"the fuck you saying white chicks was amazing that is the single most fucked up movie I have ever seen and then theres the human centipede and well I'm not getting into that god awful shit movie franchise" I said

Suddenly I stopped as I felt some thing pricked into my arm

"wait hold on the fuck just happened?" I questioned steeping back and holding my head as suddenly everything started to feel hazy weird and loopy?

"oooooooh yeah I just injected some of the most hardcore drugs into your blood stream without you looking whoops sorry!" I heard alucard said as I blinked a couple times as everything started to look like a kaleidoscope

"oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-"

*THUNK!*

And like that I blacked out

LITERALLY 6 HOURS LATER

*GASP!*

My eyes shot open while I quickly sat up

"WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!?" I shouted in shock looking around

"EEEEEEE!" hearing the squealing my eyes quickly landed on seras as she shook in her spot

"wh-what the hell happened?" I asked again moving my arms around my body making sure everything was in the right place

And after 2 minutes of making sure my dick was in the right place I quickly stood onto my feet and looked around wherever the fuck I was

Which was a really fancy room something you would see in well the Italian mafia

"oh well at least your awake" I heard seras state as I looked at her smiling face

"yo police girl is blue balls awak-"

*BANG!*

Without a second thought my hand pulled out my hammer(you know what I think we all get where I'm going with this so its fucking gun blah blah blah read the fucking story already!) and fired a bullet right in the middle of the tall asshole of a vampire!

"you know I think I got my answer" alucard said casually taking a bite out of a…..servered limb?

Looking around I finally notice not only was the room fancy but also filled with bodies dead bodies

"…."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I'm here on vacation and here you are already making jobs for me" I stated blandly holstering my gun and casually walking through the bloddied puddles of dead police meant

I knew they were coming it was that obvious I just didn't expect this fucker to straight up drug me

"oh yeah hey kid sorry don't worry though I'll clean up the mess in a minute just taking a quick meal break you know how it goes the effort just makes me peckish that and the fear just marinates the blood so nicely" alucard said casually as I just gave him a blank stare

"you fucking drugged me"

"…..yes, yes I did and what are you going to do-"

*BANG!*

"….well he did do something" seras said coming in with a nervous smile

"that he did, that he did police girl" and with that alucard clapped his hands and regenerated his head back into place

"well with that over and done with now then I'm expecting a call right about…wait for it now"

10 seconds later nothing happened

"huh I was honestly sure that bitch would start ringing right th-"

*RINGRINGRING!*

"you were saying?" I asked casually with a smirk as he gave me an eye roll

"fuck you, just pick it up already and hand it over" alucard said as I quickly picked up said phone and handed it to him

Standing back I felt my entire head just got turned upside down

"ooooooooh god I'm going to get the fuck out of here" I said stepping over the dead bodies that I really didn't care about since I was too busy dealing with this stupid headache.

"seras tell alucard I've got out for a walk will ya" I said walking past her as she nodded

"going to need something for this stupid headache" I muttered walking through a couple doors and carried on walking through the hall but stopped mid way through as I quietly noticed that It was littered with cops

…

…

…

…

…

"oh shit"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" a random shouted as another one started to shout and then another and another and well everyone but me started to shout

"WILL YOU CUNTS SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I shouted snapping my fingers summoning bones and stabbed everyone threw the heads

"fucking finally peace and fucking quiet" I said as I massaged my temples, sigh gonna need that drink now

So carrying on with my walk I pressed the elevator button and waited for the elevator

"wow not even 5 minutes of being up and about your already murdering everything" I heard alucard stated as I can just tell he was grinning up a storm

"yeah well they wouldn't stop shouting so I stabbed them in the heads like so" I said cracking my neck into place

"what kind of drugs did you give me?" I asked as the door opened and we casually walked in

"I'm pretty sure it was crack cocaine that or it was straight up weed, I can never remember" alucard said as he started to chuckle

"whatever" pulling out my gun I quickly checked my clip and ejected it seeing as I had no more ammo for some reason, holding my hand out another clip flashed in my hands and I quickly slammed that in my gun

Taking out a cigarette I had on me I quickly snapped my fingers as a small blue flame appeared, lighting the cigarette I took a quiet puff and sighed

"you know I'm only 19 and I'm already counted as a killer" I said

"so the fuck what? when I was your age I impaled everyone who said I was a dick"

"look all im saying is, I really expected this to just be a simple vacation day, you know spend some time in sun maybe learn how to surf, party around like the teenager I am but here I am doing my job" taking another quick puff I sighed

"well I guess you cant have everything in life" I said dumping the cigarette as the doors finally opened to the ground floor

"well then lets show this world the monsters that its harboring" alucard said casually

"psh you say that like it's a bad thing" I said as with another snap of my fingers my jacket was completely replaced back my blue and white fur lined hoody, with said hood covering my head.

3rd pov

Hamish grinned as he walked next to alucard both grinning both had their guns in hands, before they walked through the front door Hamish swiped his hand upwards causing an explosion of blue flames.

the crowd outside screamed in terror as explosion came out of nowhere, but suddenly their scream turned into confused looks as the two individuals slowly and casually walked out of the flames, the local law enforcement stationed at the entrance were too busy being confused by the blue flames to even notice.

But suddenly the 6 police men were sent flying upwards and were each individually impaled by the flag poles in front.

"well isn't this an interesting show" Hamish said as his eye started to glow blue flames

"hehehehe yep" alucard said with his grin wide and menacing

"well well if it isn't the crimson fucker and his new recent partner the sapphire Hellraiser" said an accented brazilan man wearing a brown suit, trench coat and fedora, a real Casanova in Hamish's understanding

"alucard you handle this fucker I got the police" Hamish said as another snap of his fingers a gaster blaster appeared right next to him

"heheheh oh I will" with a grin alucard casually stepped forwards as Hamish jumped onto the gaster blaster's head and flew upwards

Holding his hands up and snapping his fingers bones started to appear from the ground large bones slowly they all rose all at once creating a bone like barrier or wall

"#trumpswallisbuilt" Hamish said with a grin as the wall essentially blocked the civilians from the main fight that and the cops inside

Looking up as a helicopter casually flew over as a camera crew was filming the entire thing

"huh didn't brazil was able to afford that oh well" Hamish said as he pulled out his gun aimed for the camera

"thankfully alucard was nice enough to actually train me on how to shoot"

*BANG!*

With a single shot the cameraman's camera exploded shocking the people inside

"now what to do with these fuckers?" Hamish questioned as he saw a bunch of the cops that were cut off from everyone else by his bone wall

"meh might as well do an alucard" and with a grin Hamish snapped his fingers and bones appear over in the sky and with a hand swipe they all came down like spears or arrows or hey an airstrike if you want all in all everyone that was trapped in the wall was impaled to death by bones.

"hehehehehe impalement everywhere, wonder how alucards doing?" hamsih questioned himself

*bing*

Looking at his phone Hamish blinked and casually stared at his phone as it was a twitter notice by the crimson fucker himself

"HA I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!" Hamish shouted with a grin

Cut to integra

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!"

Back to hamish

"take that you bleached haired whore!" Hamish shouted with glee pocketing his phone flying upward to alucard as he knew they had to celebrate and he knew exactly how they were going to do it.

LATER in the secret nazi zeppelin holding cell

"ah look at that little one doesn't that look a certain someone?" asked a fat yellow eyed blonde haired nazi commander as he held a small monitor screen showing the events happening in brazil as a certain blue hooded male stood on a giant floating dragon skull

"H-Hamish?" said a small meek voice as small boy slowly dragged himself towards the edge of the cell as the light showed that he was about 14 had white skin had brown short hair and finally he wore a white dirty shirt, striped pajama shorts and had a long red scarf tied around his neck

"yes young one this is your brother remember?" the fat nazi asked as the child slowly nodded his head

"good well guess what you will get to see him in just a while" the fat nazi said as he started to laugh quietly and manically

"someone save me, please" said the child before he passed out from exhaustion

"hehehehehehe don't worry I will take very good care of you" said a creepily happy voice which made the boy freeze in fear as he watched as on the other side of the cage sat a simple garden pot with a large flower with a face

A large smiling face that would creeped anyone but that fat nazi commander who was smiling an even bigger and toothy smile

"do you wanna be friends with me?"

* * *

 **so here we are and just for the sake of it ive decided to put a revived version of both flowey and papyrus**

 **and I'll be honest papyrus is not my favourite character as lovable as he looks or acts his character just made me feel soooooo unnerved by his responces**

 **but hey this isn't meant to be a rant on why I dislike characters**

 **and with that I got nothing**

 **I feel like I should tell you guys something but I really got nothing so I'm just going to-**

 **HOLD IT SHIT NOW I REMEMBER!**

 **I forgot to do a holloween chapter shit!**

 **hold give me at least 4 hours and that should even out the chapter's shortness**

 **4 HOURS LATER**

 **here you fucking go now I didn't have allot of time to edit it so much so don't be surpised if you see something that doesn't look right or if anything is misspelled**

* * *

Hellsing halloween special!

"why the hell are we doing a halloween special?" I asked alucard while I laid on my bullet filled couch that is still needing to be replaced, fucking alucard

"well its mearly a princaple, that and I can literally eat anyone and blame it on anyone thats dressed up as a mediocre version of well you know who" alucard replied casually as I just stared at him for about 10 seconds and shrugged

"ok sure don't mean I'm going to clean up after your shit but I'm down for some serious partying" I said getting up and off of my couch and snapped my fingers suddenly my entire atire changed as I now wore a black muscle shirt, dog tags, green cargo pants tucked into a pair of black combat boots and finally with another snap my hair suddenly changed from its normal curly brown to black and spikey(for reference look up gangsta Nicolas)

".….I don't even know you could do that, in fact when have you been able to do that?" alucard questioned me as I pulled out a black sheathed katana from out of nowhere and slid it along my belt

"oh well unlike most people I have a literal inventory or hammer space that I can store so much stuff hell its where I keep pretty much I own and everything I've stolen, like these clothes" I stated patting said clothes

"ok I get that but what in the fucking hell happened to your hair?"

"ooooooh um, crack fic?" I rationalized as I actually don't know how to explain that, I mean I'm not wearing a wig or anything sooooooooo yeah crack fic

"ok nevermind lets go out and have a night on the to-"

*PORTAL OPENS AND SUCKS UP OUR HEROS!*

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" I shouted as both me and alucard were sucked into a portal and suddenly plopped out of the middle of somewhere

"what was that? Ooooh my look at what we have a….hold on I've got this" said a familiar voice

Quickly turning around I blinked a couple times in confusion then realization as there standing on the other side of well I guess this white arena was cell

"hey I thought this was a Halloween special not a cell games special" I said to the sky as I directed it to the author

WITH THE AUTHOR NOW

Looking at this, I feel like I've kinda well fucked this up some how

Meh not like I give a shit this is a crack fic after all!

HALLOWEEN SPECIAL/CELL GAMES SPECIAL

BACK TO ME

"seriously dude? Serious?"

"ahem ignoring my equally confused….partner-"

"oi was that a pause I heard there alucard?" I questioned getting up off of my ass and cracking my neck

"oh my well isnt this interesting you have the exact voice as me" cell said in surprise

"hehehe don't get allot of people like me tell me you got yourself a murderous plan of mass destruction?"

"ohohoho I do in fact I'm going to blow up this entire planet, that is until I get my fight" cell said chuckling at most likley the thought of fighting goku

"well isnt this interesting your looking for a fight ey?" I questioned as I rolled my shoulders

"actually yes why are you offering?" cell questioned

"oh what no I was just asking" I stated casually stretching my arms

"oh well ok how about you uuuuum tall dark and creepy?"

"ahahahaha no need for you to throw insults in fact how about you just call me alucard, or the crimson fucker, the literally son of the devil, the apostle of war, your mothers newest boy friend" alucard said with a large toothy grin

"im sorry but did you say the crimson fucker?"

"yes in fact I should be called as such, I mean I killed allot of people to get that name. Allot" alucard said seriously as he could sound

"i-is he kidd-"

"no he is not kidding no matter how much this condescending asshole may look , he is serious" I stated just as serious

"wow look at this seems like I'm not the only one who enjoys killing people" cell said with a smile

"killing no no no I don't kill people" alucard said as he tipped his sunglasses forwards

"i eat them"

"wow usually I wouldnt talk about it considering id called a hypocrite but wow that is sick beyond all belief" cell said kinda shocked

Which wasn't that much of a surprise

"dude if you think thats bad, I'm the guy who has to clean up after him, basically I'm his personal disposal bin" I said shrugging

"huh your accent is throwing me off the loop, quick question are you by chance from Australia?"

".…excuse me"

"oh I'm sorry maybe your from space Australia, sorry you can sometimes forget theres a difference that and I've been meeting people left and right so I'm a little off today"

"im from New Zealand" I said feeling my left twitch

"oh and tell me what part of Australia is this New Zealand in?"

3RD POV

 ** _*SNAP!*_**

"what was that?" cell questioned as alucard couldn't help but giggle

"something you shouldnt have done" and with that alucard casually jumped away and sat on a nearby rock as he got ready to watch the on coming show

"what are you talking about!?" cell yelled as he watched alucard jump away

 ** _"hello there"_** turning around cells eyes widen slightly looking back at Hamish as he now wore his usual clothes and his hood casually covering and shadowing his entire face

"uh hi?" cell said in confusion

 ** _"you look like you been busy lately"_** Hamish said

"uh I guess I have?"

 ** _"well thats good but I'm here to warn ya if you take one step forward you may see yourself in what looks like is to be quite the bad time, and buddy bad time is something you don't want"_** Hamish said as cell blinked a couple times at the statement and smirked

"oh is that a challenge?" cell said taking a step forwards

 ** _"buddy you are not going to be enjoying whats going to be happening and you are going to have one hell of a bad time"_** Hamish said as his left eyes iris started to glow blue

"well this is wonderful and all but I think its time you take your so called creepy looking self and just flay back through that portal you just came falling out of and let me tell you I'm being very much polite and patient with you" cell said as he took another step and suddenly stopped as Hamish started to chuckle

Soon that chuckle turned into a laugh and that laugh turn hysterical, then insane then well it just turned into small bursts of giggles

"you know its a beautiful day outside, birds are singing flowers are blooming, on days like these people like you… ** _should be burning in hell!"_** Hamish yelled as blue flames sparked to life covering the ground in front of his feet

(you know how it goes now play it, play megalonvania any version is welcome as long as its megalovania!)

"oooooo well aren you just-wait wheres that music coming from?" cell questioned as music did start playing all of a sudden

 ** _"here we go"_** Hamish said as he summoned an comportment of bones to his side that instantly flew off towards cell

"what the-!?" before cell could finish that the bones stabbed and flew right through his chest sending guts and purple blood everywhere

Cell blinked spinning around in mid air as they flew right back at him, gritting his teeth cell quickly regenerated his chest and quickly dodged the flying buzzsaw like bones and holding his finger out he fired 5 ki blasts that instantly hit the buzzsaw bones. Watching as smoke covered the air around the bones cell smirked as he thought that it was over, but suddenly widened his eyes in shock and horror as the bones flew out of the smoke no longer spinning but flew right back at cell.

Hamish in the mean time watched in fury as he continued to send his summoned bones right at cell, cells biggest mistake was considering Hamish was even australian in the first place!

(PAUSE MUSIC!)

"you know fuck this!" cell yelled as he instantly released his power sending a shockwave of of air that sent the summoned bones flying backwards

"da fuck is this is, is this your annoying trick!? cause if thats it then you sir whatever your name is, in fact who the fuck are you!?" cell shouted and glared at Hamish

"me oh the names Hamish but most people call me the sapphire hellraiser" Hamish said casually stated like it was everyday knowledge

"the sapphire hellraiser oh my god that sounds worse than your friends stupid nicknames!" cell yelled as he started to laugh but slowly stopped as he saw Hamish didn't even move or react to the insult

"you know your supposed to be angry or insulted here but all your giving me is nothin but the silent treatment"

 ** _"oh well thats the thing you've already pissed me off in fact, I don't think I need to hold any more"_**

"excuse me but what can you pull out of your ridiculous sleeves?" cell said with a smirk

 ** _"oh you really are asking for it arent you"_** said Hamish as cell froze and blinked as he was no longer in front of him

"what the-?

 ** _"lets continue this upstairs shall we?"_** Hamish suggested as snapped his fingers and suddenly a large bone flew up through the arena right under cell and sent him flying upwards into the sky

(UNPAUSE!)

Cell gritted his teeth in annoyance as he stopped and floated in the sky, looking down at the arena his scowl was directed right at Hamish as his blue eye stared right at him

"so you wanna play huh then lets play!" cell shouted as he held his hands forwards

"FUCK YOU, GALLICK GUN-"

 ** _"i don't think so"_** Hamish said casually as he appeared right above cell.

Stopping his attack cell twisted his body around and with wide eyes he saw Hamish casually standing on top of a huge dragon like skull with large blue glowing eyes

"what in the fuck-!?" before cell could finish his sentence the gaster blaster Hamish was standing on fired a blue beam right at cells top half.

Hamish watched as the lower half of cells body slowly fell from the sky and hit the middle of the arena

 ** _"hmph amateur"_** Hamish stated blandly

*CRACK CRUNCH GASP!*

Cells lower body suddenly ripped itself apart and grew his entire top half back

"OK TIME THE FUCK OUT, WHO THE FUCK EVEN does…..that…" cell stopped his statement as his eyes widened once again as he saw the entire arena was casually covered in gaster blasters on all sides

"OH YOU GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING M-!"cell didn't get to finish that sentence as the gaster blaster all opened fire right at cell

Hamish who now stood at the edge of the arena where he was in the beginning snapped his fingers and the gaster blasters all DE-summonded them selves leaving only the tip of cell's tail and his feet

(PAUSE)

Looking at his watch Hamish casually started to time how long cell was supposed to regenerate from that

LITERALLY 5 MINUTES LATER

"GASP OK I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR FUCKING SHIT YOU SON OF A BITCH, NO MORE MR NICE PERFECT CELL YOU….WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU!?" cell yelled pointing at Hamish as he just stared at him blankly under his hood

"im a human" was all Hamish as cell froze for a second

"i-I'm sorry did you just say your human as in flesh and blood-"

"yep 100% nothing more nothing less, heh shows how perfect your ass is if you keep getting your ass handed by a human like me" Hamish said with a grin

"im sorry did you just say that I'm imperfect? When during all this time you havent even lifted a fist or a foot to attack me and using admittedly pretty sturdy tricks to take me down? And you really have the right to insult me?" cell stated blandly as it was basically true

"huh guess your right" Hamish said as he folded his arms and nodded in agreement with cell

"good of you to see it my way so how about you stop fooling around and actually fight me like a man!" cell shouted at Hamish

"sigh guess your right, maybe I should actually do something" Hamish said as he cracked his neck and then his knuckles

"yes thats exactly it now come and hit me!" cell shouted

(UNPAUSE)

 ** _"done"_** Hamish said as cells widened as he looked to the right and watched as a flame covered fist flew right into his vision

With another blink as the fist impacted cell felt himself step to the side looked in confusion, suddenly another fist came at him again on the other side of his vision and he stepped back again and again and again and again and again and again

Until suddenly cell bent himself forwards and watched as a blue flaming fist came up and smashed him in through his nose and suddenly cell blinked again as he suddenly watched as the world started to flip right over his head and then he hit watched as when the ground came into view he finally noticed something

Regenerating kind of left him pretty tired and kinda hungry

And then suddenly when his entire face met the ground all he saw next was just black.

(END SONG)

*CLAP CLAP CLAP!*

"wow now that was a show of the ages now then by chance I would very much appreciate it if we can go before well the loccals decide to well investegate like these guys" alucard said making his presents known to Hamish

"huh what are you talking abou-OH MY GOD ALUCARD WHAT ING THE FUCK!?" Hamish shouted in shock as wow thats just ok I'm just going to say thats just too much for everyones eyes

"what? I got hungry and the camera crew looked tasty" alucard said casually as Hamish face palmed

"alucard that camera is showing live footage to the entire world meaning-"

"meaning I just officially earned the gunnius world record for traumatizing the most people ever! YES TAKE THAT YOU BITCH INTEGRA, I TOLD YOU I COULD DO IT AND I FUCKING DID SUCK YOU WHORE!" alucard shouted in joy while Hamish just shook his head

And with one more grin alucard looked straight into the camera said

"happy holloween!"

* * *

 **sorry for the delayed Halloween special but I hope you enjoyed this one and before the hate is spewed that cell fight is a legit as I could ever write it so don't bitch to me being unfair**

 **now then please don't forget to leave a**

 **fave**

 **follow**

 **and a review**

 **and I love to say thank you to all those reviewers who took their time to plop one in I love you guys**

 **LATERS!**

 **PS don't fuck with NZ and call them aussies or affiliate them being aussie's or saying that its apart of Australia , you may end up in the hospital or 6 feet under, #notjoking**


	6. the flashback dream and the war room

**well its been a while and you guys know how it goes!**

* * *

Chapter 6

"sigh I'm tired" Hamish said as he casually stretched his arms over his head cracking his shoulder into place

"man you two seriously were out all night partying?" Frenchie asked as I couldn't help but chuckle

"oh we did, hell we having so much fun last night I completely forgot what happened half the night" I said with a grin as I felt the fatigue hit me slowly

Jesus last night was fun as hell one of the best nights of my life if I do say so myself

But for some reason I felt like I was forgetting something or someone meh it'll figure itself later in life

"ok quiet everyone I'm going to call the bitch up" alucard said

"yeah well wake me up later will ya, I'm tired as hell" I said as I slowly closed my eyes and just like that I was out like a light

Inside my dreamscape

Blinking in confusion I was as I started to fall downwards, what the hell!?

Blinking a again suddenly I was standing straight

"where the fuck-"

"hahahahah!" stopping mid-sentence I heard laughter, familiar laughter

Blinking in confusion I looked around and saw I was in a familiar street, wait this is my old street where I used to live before-oh no nononononononono I am not having one of those dreams!

Suddenly everything turned differently as I was spun around and I saw a familiar old one story house

"shit I got no choice, and here I thought a crack fic cant be serious" I said to myself as I looked directly at you, yes you the reader

Alright lets start this off with a simple story shall i?

No?

"Too fucking bad, were both forced to go through this so I might as well tell you my oh so sad and terrible life"

Alright as you may already know I'm from new Zealand, specifically Auckland one of the main cities of new Zealand, I used to live with my mum, dad and brother

Everything back then wasn't so bad my dad worked a usual 9 to 5 job, my mom had a small cake making business that was just about to kick off and I and my brother had the lucky options of going to an alright school.

But then well unfortunately that life cant be for everyone now can it?

As things had gotten better things soon turned bad, so without warning my dad was wrongly sacked because he was accused of doing drugs and drinking

And well when that happened everything around my life started to fall apart, cause as soon as you have a parental figure that's been fired of drugs and alchol the clichie seems to follow you home.

It wasn't soon until dad started to drink and do drugs, he couldn't get a job to pay the mortgage and mom didn't want to deal with it so she up and left the 3 of us behind, you know like your average fucked household.

So with that the 3 of us were left to fend for ourselves, I had to quiet school get a job and help out on paying the bills while dad got fucked up on drugs and I had to be my brothers only support.

And everything got easier and easier but it was also getting harder and harder with the presence of money start to get more and more needed

It wasn't soon before I thought I wasn't going to be able to pay for everything

And well then I started to drink annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I'm fucking bored

"sigh sorry I thought I could fuck around with you all but meh I got bored so heres the serious shit, my life wasn't hard, I didn't grow up through some edgy fucking shit, hell I grew up normally with my mum and dad and my brother, everything was simply going pretty well until well I got that job interview"

Looking up I watched my dream to come to fruition as my little brother ran out of the garage laughing as he played with his large red scarf he had gotten for his birthday

"oi Kyle don't get your pjay's dirty go back inside and get changed!" I watched as familiar face of me casually walked out as I wore my usual blue fur line hoody

"I don't wanna!" Kyle yelled as he casually started to run and jump around like a certain skeleton

Smirking to myself I couldn't help but roll my eyes, Kyle did love playing undertale maybe I shouldn't have introduced it to him?

"and there he goes shit mums going to be pissed" my flashback self said as he walked out and made his way towards our little brother

That morning I didn't get allot of sleep last night because I was kinda nervous about the interview so I kinda watched some hellsing ultimate and well I kinda lost time and fell asleep about 3 in the morning, so that's one of the reasons why I wasn't feeling sooooo well eccentric at the moment

"come on Kyle don't go pissing me off this early in the morning" my flashback self said as he tried to jog after my still laughing brother who just loved to be a little troll

"neeeeveeeeeeeeer!"

Little shit loved to say that, kinda miss it

"ok that's it come here you!" and without a second thought I watched as my flashback self launched himself and tackled kyle onto the ground

Kyle yelled in shock as he tried to squirm out of my flashback self's hold but soon the both of them delved in quiet chuckles that soon turned into laughing

I couldn't help but smile at the sight

But soon well things turned bad for the morning as I heard the screeching of tyres, I watched as the two stopped laughing and stood up watching as a car mainly a Toyota supra came drifting around the corner and slowly stopped.

My flashback self eyes widened as he saw the windows slowly rolled down as a simple mac 10 popped out and out of reflex I quickly pulled and pushed kyle behind me as soon as the bullets started to fly

And well you can guess what happened after that

"sigh things can never be easy can they-"

*SLAM!*

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" I shouted as I suddenly woke up from my morally degrading dream!

"the good lord has brought you a blessing to you filthy heathens as a sign of good will a small private Vatican jet, now you would be so very Christian like and ship your sorry pale asses out, and take your trigger happy harlot with ya and the woman!"

"don que?"

Blinking away my confusion I suddenly saw Anderson in our small room

"man I don't know what I find funnier, the catholic church strong arming you into helping us or the fact you haven't seen what me and the kid did to the statue of big Jay!"

Cut to the statue!

On the front their was a rainbow sign with the words "420YOLOSWAF4JESUS" and on the back it had graffiti pointing towards jesus's ass while off to the side there was a message saying "insert nose/cock here"

And then there was andersons-

 **"** ** **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"****

"holy fucking shit did anyone hear that?" I asked while we were at least 30,000 feet in the air

"meh its just the wind" alucard stated with a grin on his face

LATER

The 4 of us stopped before the room of…..wars?

"wait quick question where the fuck are we again?" I quickly questioned

"the british meeting room for her majesty the queen" seras quickly responded as I nodded

"ok thank you" I said as I remembered the way this episode was going to go

"alright lets go now play that song" alucard said as we looked at Frenchie

"uh what song?"

"w-what do you mean you forgot the song?" alucard said in disbelief

"o-ok ok s-screw it screw it just t-take phone and play random" alucard said as he handed Frenchie his phone

"are you sure?"

"no just hit random ok? 3 2 1" and pressing random alucard threw the doors open

I watched as everyone watched in disbelief as the music went off as it threw everyone off their own loops

And while everyone was shocked I was laughing my ass off

"ahahahahaha you have that song in your phone ahahahahahahaha!" I yelled as alucard sighed

"ok ok turn it off turn it off, it didn't work, it did not work" alucard said as Frenchie stopped the song

"following your example" I heard integra reply

"ooooo caddy!" alucard said in response as I snorted

"sassy integra real sassy" I said as I casually walked up and beside the tall vampire

"oh shit is that betty!?" alucard yelled as he quickly walked towards the queen of England herself

"excuse me sir but you cant-"

"get outta my way!" without moving a muscle the guard who tried to stop him were incapacitated hell they might even be dead ooooooooor something

"well well well if it isn't ally" the queen said as alucard kneeled in front of her

"your skin is still smooth as I left it on my own" she said reaching out and holding his head

"you know it reminds me when I kept your bed warm during the blitz" and that comment kinda made me sick

"those were better days, I was young beautiful"the queen said depressingly

"oh shut it you old hag id still wreck you like Diana!" and with that I cover my own mouth

"ahahahahahaha you know exactly what to say to moisten me up" and with that I barrelled to the closest pillar and threw up my lunch

"AAAAAAH I CAN NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!"

"alucard, if you please and also stop throwing up Hamish" integra said as I stopped and flipped her off

"fuck off" was all I said wiping my mouth

"your right enough focusing on the past, so instead lets focus about the past!" alucard said

"back in world war 2 me and walter were apart of a top secret government program called operation crowd control, walter was 15 and I'm pretty sure if I was remembering correctly I was a girl"

"wait a second and that implies that the queen is a-"

"interrupted my story reggie, see what happens! But yeah we were under orders to stick it sideways to a group of nazi scientist whackjob interested in creating a vampire army, and did we?"

"seems you missed a spot" integra said as I couldn't help but laugh

"shots fired!" I yelled

"are you g- are you gonna do this now? In front of everybody?" alucard said as I couldn't help but laugh harder at his response

"point is enough members have survived and are planning on finishing their mission, they've established a base in Brazil are using the name-"

"millennium" a voice said as I quickly turned to the front as I saw a….weird looking kid with blonde hair and cat ears…I don't know how to feel about this

So I casually watched not really paying attention to what everyone was saying and just waited

This felt a little bit off for some reason like some big secret was about to show itself in a minute or two like something just didn't seem right at all

Oh hey fat nazi and he has…that isnt no he isnt but he-

3rd pov

"no zen allow me to introduce someone who will turn the change of war for the better come now little one stand up" the fat nazi said as a small boy slowly walked along towards the camera as everyone watched as he looked like he was pretty young, he wore a simple dirty looking white t shirt, striped pyjama pants and finally a had a red scarf tied around his neck.

Integra narrowed her eyes as she instantly saw the resemblance of the boy towards another person in this room, walter who had a wide eyed expression also saw the singularities between the boy and that same person, seras who was watching gasped as she saw how skinny the child looked tortured, alucard just stared blankly not saying anything

"good good now look into the camera and say what we taught you" the nazi said as the boy slowly looked up with a blank look as everyone saw his bright blue and orange eyes.

"dont be so scared little one come now say it" the nazi pressed on as he never lost his large grin

"y-you will die, you will all die by the hands of the germans that you have never found like how the germans could never find anne frank, but instead of hiding in fear they were hiding and w-waiting to exact-"

"inact"

"-inact I mean your deaths s-so be prepared to die y-you…."

"say it"

"y-you fucking pieces of horse shit!" the boy yelled as he started to cry

"aaaaahhhhh and from the mouth of such a young one like him, well you heard him" the camera then turned back the nazi commander as everyone could still hear the boy still cry

"and not to sound cliche some time somewhere, something will happen, maybe it will happen tomorrow maybe but know this when it happens and it will happen you will be shitting your selves" the nazi said

"is that so?" spoke Hamish for the first time, everyone quickly turned to him and froze as they saw his entire body was covered in blue flames while his face was hidden under his hood but they could clearly see the 1 blue flaming eye under it

"oh my well isnt this interesting I take it your the infamous sapphire Hellraiser I see, well then its lovely to meet you for the first time" the nazi commander said

"yes indeed, so care to tell me why did you take my little brother" Hamish stated coldy, suddenly the room felt colder than the Antarctic

"oh so he is your brother, huh and here I had the impression that I just picked up a stray turns out my friend was right, I apologize allow me to introduce him, oh flowey!" the fat nazi yelled as suddenly Hamish entire body froze and his flaming eye was turned off

The came slowly panned back to the child as there now was a shelf and on top of said shelf stood a clay pot with a large sunflower with a bizzare face on it

"hello sans, its been a while how have you been?" the flower talked casually

"did that flower-"

"did that flower just talk? Yes Reginald your not the only one going bat shit crazy" integra stated as her eyes were very wide

"y-y-you son of a-!" Hamish stopped his words as he saw a large vine pop out of the pot

"now now sans lets not get hasty or else your poor little brother will have to pay the price as you know per usual" flowey said as his creepy grin never left his face

"now then I have a deal for you, strewdinger(the fucking cat boy!) hand sans the invitation" flowey said as the cat eared kid casually skipped over and handed Hamish an envelope

"there you go" the cat eared kid said

Hamish just stared at the kid and pulled out his hammer and shoved it right into the cat eared boy's mouth

*BANG!*

"and like that the war has offic-"

"fuck you, fuck your war and fuck your so called dramatic bullshit" Hamish casually interrupted as he aimed his blood covered pistol right at the monitor and fired again destroying it instantly

Everyone was silent as they quietly stared at Hamish.

"well not to be the one to point the elephant in the room but what in the fuck was that?" alucard questioned

"hamish explain" integra ordered as she expected an answer

Everyone who stared at him were ready to get a full explanation from the blue themed teen

"none of your fucking business" Hamish said as he walked around the pillar and teleported away

"sigh great now hes fucking moody, its going to be all day with him" integra said rubbing her temples feeling a migraine coming along what next? Is Hamish going to raise a skeleton army from out of nowhere?

(#FORESHADOWINGATITSBEST)

* * *

 **well this is an interesting chapter easily one of my kinda best**

 **so anyway for this AN I got nothing really much to say other than well this is where things start to officially diverge off the beaten track that is known as canon but like ive stated before I will be mainly writing this in my OC's pov so I'm just going to warn ya that the next chapter will be very different than what everything else is.**

 **also like to say thank you to everyone who has given this fic and fave and a follow and I hope that more of you pop in a review either saying how the chapter was or how something something could make it just a bit better**

 **everything is appreciated**

 **and with that I hope you all leave a**

 **fave**

 **follow**

 **and review**

 **LATERS!**


	7. monster vs plant monster thingie

**gonna be honest I kinda forgot I was posting today but meh here it is**

* * *

Chapter 7

Hamish silently sat in the middle of hellsings armory his hoody dis-guarded on one of the random benches he sat on staring at the invitation he was given

 _ _Stonehenge is truely lovely in the middle of the moon light__

 _ _Don't ya think Sans?__

 _ _Midnight fullmoon come get em__

 _ _And don't be using your powers cause that would be cheating and you don't want to cheat__

 _ _Now do ya?__

 _ _Flowey__

 _ _Ps you can use teleporting gotta give you something to use__

Hamish growled as he scrunched up the paper and threw it behind him.

"hamish are you ok?" said a calm caring voice that Hamish instantly recognized as seras's voice

"not the best time seras" Hamish said blankly

"well I don't think so" seras said walking over and sitting next to Hamish silently

The two casually sat there in silence that was suddenly broken by Hamish

"you know I didn't think my brother would be here" Hamish stated seriously

"i never knew you had a brother or that you had any family" seras admitted quietly

"dont worry about it" Hamish said with a sigh

"hmph yeah sure, but tell me whats you're a brother like?" seras asked casually as she looked at Hamish as he stared off into nothing with a blank look on his face

"he was, no is active, positive, loved spaghetti and he loved breaking the rules heh one time I watched him casually climbed up the schools drainage pipe because he wanted a better look of the clouds, had to call the fire department but lets just say he didn't want come down just yet" Hamish said with a fond smile on his face

"hmph sounds like you but not lazy" seras said with a smirk causing Hamish to let out a chuckle

"damn right, if theres one thing he loved more than breaking the rules it was running around with a smile on his face" Hamish said as he remembered the times he watched as kyle ran off laughing happily

"well so what now?" seras asked as Hamish sighed and stood up as seras actually took a real look at what he was wearing

Instead of his usually comfortable clothes he now wore a black singlet with a light armored vest with an assortment of magazines and knives, other than that he now wore a pair of grey blotched camo cargo pants eld up by a black belt and tucked into a pair of black combat boots, on his thighs were a pair of holsters that looked held two hammer's while one was his usually dark gray and green glowing iron sights the other had a white camo on it with blue sights.

"wow you look like your ready for war" seras stated as Hamish picked up his hoody and threw it on

"oh no this? This is my walking outfit" Hamish said as he walked off out of the armory and made his way to the garage

"so your going off then?" alucard said as he casually flew through the wall and stopping right in front of Hamish

"really this is quite the interesting predicament" alucard said with his grin wide and condescending

"not really considering I'm just going for a walk, a very enthusiastic walk one I know you would gladly join if you had the chance, but by the looks of your boner your still waiting for your little war to start" Hamish said with a smirk

"hehehehe oh you know it but I feel like I should at least give you something for good luck" alucard said as he moved his hand through his coat and then pulled something out and threw it to Hamish

Catching it Hamish took one look at what alucard threw and blinked

"your fucking kidding me" Hamish said in disbelief

"nope now go show the monster who you really are, oh and be back soon you'll miss the biggest party of your entire life" alucard said with a large grin

Hamish just looked up and then started to grin as well

"oh I will oh I fucking will" Hamish said with a large grin on his face

"I fucking will"

LATER

"You know what I'm not going to hold back this time" Hamish decided to himself as he drove towards stone henge on his newly built bike, that looked like the bike from homefront but it was that red skull skin bike.

With a small grin Hamish slowly saw stone hendge up ahead

"time for a fight like no other" he muttered to himself as he slowly stopped and parked his bike to the side of the road and casually walked off instantly teleporting just behind one of the large stones.

"well it appears you've finally come" Hamish heard the voice of flowey

"yeah I did, now what the fuck kind of deal do you got for me?" Hamish asked casually as his hands reached down and pulled out his hammers

"well its simple really how about I let your precious brother go and I kill you" suddenly without a second a large vine shot out of the ground and wrapped around Hamish's mid section picking him up and throwing him away

Hamish quickly flipped himself and landed on the ground skidding just a couple feet watched as flowey casually revealed himself in his tv headed mode thing(if you've played undertale or know enough of the game I think you know what I'm talking about but just in case look it up for reference)

"how does that sound!?" flowey yelled as his grin was large and manic

"fucking son of a bitch, a bit early to going boss mode don't you think!?" Hamish yelled as he quickly rolled to the side as flowey threw one of his vine into the ground

"like I give a flying fuck now shut up and die sans!" flowely shouted pulling his vine back and was ready to slam it back down

Pulling up out his hammers Hamish started to fire at flowey and watched as the bullets exploded ripping the vines apart, flowey just laughed louder as the vines quickly regenerated back to normal.

"shit!" Hamish yelled as flowey's large mouth opened up and he stared to fire white pellet like bullets at him.

Side stepping and teleporting around the bullets Hamish stopped to aim one of his guns at flowey's screen and fired, unfortunately one of the pellet like bullets got in the way causing Hamish to scowl as he started dodging again.

Dodging vines left right and centre Hamish jumped backwards with an additional flip and landed some distance away from flowey as he glared at the flowey theme monster

"jesus what the hell would alucard do in this situation?" Hamish wondered to himself when he suddenly remembered something

Why the fuck would alucard care?

With that in mind Hamish suddenly smiled as he knew what he was going to do, so without a further a do hamsih quickly pulled uh his ahnds and formed a T sign

"hold it time out!" Hamish shouted as flowey stopped and froze

Hamish quickly summoned his ipod and earphones and hooked them into his ears and quickly search through his playlist until he found the one he was looking for

"ok unpause!" Hamish shouted as flowey shook his head with growl and threw his vines at Hamish

*CLICK!*

(PLAY go to sleep by Eminem)

With a smirk Hamish casually threw his arms up and fired two shots at the tips of the vines watching as they explode they did stop moving to slam right down at him.

Hamish quickly teleported on the left vine and casually started to slide down it until it slammed the ground and he quickly started to run along the vine

"what the fuck!?" flowey shouted in shock as he lifted him left vine up and tried to shake Hamish off, with a grin Hamish just used the shaking to launch him straight up into the air.

Growling in annoyance flowey lifted it mouth up and started to fire out his pellet like bullets at Hamish seeign as he was in mid air he couldn't possibly be able to dodge

Thats what flowey thought until Hamish suddenly disappeared out of nowhere

"you its not even midnight" flowey heard as he quickly looked down and saw Hamish standing there guns in their holsters with his arms folded

"your quite early don't ya think?" Hamish said with a smirk as he watched as flowey's shock turned into a glare

"what are you trying to say sans you giving up are you going to let your brother die like every other time!?" flowey yelled at Hamish

"heres the thing flowey no I'm sorry I mean asriel" Hamish said sternly making flowey flinch with wide eyes

"my name is Hamish, I am not sans, I am no skeleton and I aint as patient or as forgiving as him in fact you could say I'm the opposite" Hamish said as his body was suddenly covered in blue flames

"hell if it wasn't for my moral code I would have killed every christen priest on earth! But no here I am defending the modern society from the things that go bump in the night, so as far as I see it you got the wrong guy-" the flames suddenly exploded

"you've messed with the wrong guy-" his eyes suddenly started to glow blue

"you've joined the wrong side-"

Bones started to appear around Hamish and started to swirl around

"-and you have my brother and so help me god if you so much as scratch him I will show you how much of a bad time I will be giving you"

…

…

…

…

"psh is that it? Is that your threat? Thats so fucking underwhelming that it didn't even seem scary let alone intimidating" flowey said as he started to laugh

"you fucking asked for it" Hamish said as he held his hands up and with a snap of his fingers the bones suddenly slammed into each forming a hilt that Hamish took and a large blade slid out (rebellion DMC 3)

With a grin Hamish swung the sword up sending an explosive blue flaming arc right at flowey that sent it reeling back in pain

"aaaaaaah what the fuck!?" flowey yelled while blinking a couple times grimacing in pain

"what a beautiful night for a lovely stroll, the crickets are chirping, the moon is lighting the path ways, the flowers bloom beautifully at night and monsters like me ****devour those who think they are gods"**** Hamish said as the blue flames exploded sending a powerful shock wave sending flowey flying over stone hendge.

Blinking a couple times flowely slowly watched as flames covered stonehenge and a figure casually moved right through it

Suddenly seeing the picture getting clearer flowey suddenly saw the figure was covered head to toe in bone like armour while he had a blue fur cloak over his shoulders, his head was covered in a gaster blaster themed helmet as its eyes glowed blue

"i know you still got some fight in there flowey now where the hell is kyle?" the figure said as it revealed himself to being Hamish

"hehehehe hes not here you idiot" flowey said with a cold laugh

"no shit now where the fuck is he?" Hamish said holding his sword pointing the tip right at flowey tv screen

"hehehe hes with my new friend, the nazi's and hes already invading that stupid city your protecting hehehehehe" flowey said as Hamish turned around and sighed turning around as he saw the fiery flames from here

""well how unfortunate for you and him, now how about you do me a favor and now go to sleep bitch!" Hamish said as he looked back at flowey and stomped his foot into flowey's screen breaking it instantly

(end song)

"fuck sakes this is going to take a while" Hamish muttered in annoyance as he teleported back to his bike as he knew it was going to take at least about about 2 hours to get to brighten (where hellsing is located)

Pulling his sword over his shoulder Hamish sheathed his large sword to his back and quickly jumped onto his bike and quickly shot off turning around and making his way back home

Hopefully he'll be there before that scythe bitch got there

Hopefully seras wont have to suffer this time

Hopefully not everyone will die this time

Hopefully integra will finally replace his fucking couch after all this shit is done and dusted

"you fucking better not die frenchie" Hamish muttered driving at full speed

* * *

 **hey guys just going to be honest with you going to have to go on a quick hiatus just so I can catch up on writing the next set of chapters as well start writing a spinoff crossover.**

 **said cross over is with highschool dxd and I mean the actual serious canon**

 **look heres the pitch**

 **imagine my OC is told that devils, angels and essentially every supernatural thing (other than zombies and vampires) are completely real and he is now sent away to japan for a mission that is more of a favour just so he could look out for some red head and her band of misfits.**

 **as one certain misfit gives said OC an aneurism over the fact his literal power up is only centred around tits.**

 **if that didn't hook you in his past knowledge of said anime was making it more and more difficult not to mess with it.**

 **but then again this is my OC so hes most likely going to fuck with it anyway.**

 **and with that how does it sound?**

 **should I go for it or not?**

 **please tell me with a review or pm if you so wish**

 **and with that please don't forget to leave**

 **fave**

 **follow**

 **and review**

 **LATERS**


	8. heres the new spinoff!

**yo ive finally done it ive finally written my new spin off and its called hellsing TFS spinoff: highschool dxd**

 **I hope I didn't keep all yall waiting so here it is and please enjoy**


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